Walk With Wayne | Newsletter

...Share the Journey ...Retrieve your Self

August 2005 Vol. 3, No. 5

A Monthly Newsletter Published and Created by Wayne Peacock
©2005 Wayne Peacock. All rights reserved.

Dear Friends,

Here is a toast to Carina Catherine Jones and her parents, Leslie and Jason Jones. Carina is our fifth precious grandchild.

Issue of the Month

Finding Meaning in Life's Dips: When we are down and out with our life's circumstances it is natural to want to moan, curse, or crawl into our cave...or all three. The longer we stay in our funk, the harder it is to escape the mental prison. It seems unfair and it certainly is no fun. What to do?

This past year in my relationship coaching training it was postulated that every state of mind has some value or meaning. I've found that to be true for myself and several clients. The challenge is to be open to what the meaning might be, i.e. assume gems can be mined from every situation and wait for the answer.

This is a slight variation from a practice I developed for myself nearly 25 years ago. When I found that what turned up in my life was different than what I wanted or expected, I asked myself, "Why is this perfect?" My logic was that "what is" was God's product or part of God's plan, so, by definition, it was perfect even if I could not see why. I have never failed to find out why a circumstance was perfect, and I have thereby saved myself tons of self-destructive stress. You can, too, if you search for meaning or value in life's bumps along the road.

Client of the Month

Karen had lost her self confidence, feared the world, and saw only negativity. Her kind, funny, connected, friendly and easy-going nature had disappeared, leaving her stressed, uptight, dark, angry and resentful.

In our first coaching session, I asked Karen to assume that her prevailing mood had meaning and value, and to figure out what that might be. This turned out to be a valuable inquiry. Instead of seeing her mood as a reason to label herself as wrong, she saw the opportunity it presented. Karen quickly shifted from pessimism to curiosity and searched for the available wisdom in her period of darkness. Interestingly, Karen noticed that she felt lighter and experienced some hopefulness as soon as she shifted perspectives about her circumstances.

The value Karen found in her circumstances was the realization that it was a push for her to begin the quest for full emotional expression and in particular, the willingness to express her love. This, for Karen, was the BIG prize, just waiting for her on the other side of an edge.

I asked Karen what this quest for emotional expression might be about. Her answer was that she was raised in a home with alcohol addiction. In that atmosphere, her survival had depended on walling off painful feelings and taking residence in her head.

Karen's homework after that session was to stop at random times during the day, take three deep breaths, and then notice what she was feeling and after that to notice what she wanted. She was to record her findings in I feel _____ and I want _____ statements.

It was obvious to Karen that full emotional expression depended on knowing what her feelings and emotions were. If she was going to respond, instead of react to the universe, she needed to know what her heart longed for. She also realized that a lot more wisdom exists below the neck than above.

In our second session, Karen chose her marriage as a place to begin coaching. It turned out that her husband had been the pursuer and Karen the distancer throughout their marriage. In his role of pursuer, her husband had been the one expressing his emotions, the seeker of romance, and the one with 100% commitment. But not too long ago he got tired of the pursuer role and chose to pull back and away. Karen feared she might have lost the man of her dreams.

In partnership with her husband, Karen has completed the role reversal. She is now the pursuer for the first time in her adult life. Now, Karen is all about personal transformation. She has the determination of a warrior and is already finding fulfillment along this new path. You go, girl!

Muscle of the Month

Muscle #10 - Failure and Recovery

Do you dread or celebrate failure?

Every day of our lives we come up short of some target, goal or expectation of ourselves. For most humans, the shortfall is perceived as a negative or problem. We then proceed to see ourselves as wrong, inadequate or not good enough. As if we are not hard enough on ourselves already, we go on to treat a failure to meet an expectation as a character flaw. This perspective on failure has few redeeming values. It is self defeating.

For Karen, her perspective about her difficulties with commitment and self expression made her feel like a "bad child" and kept her in a cycle of guilt and blame. This self-view led to a paralyzing fear that it was too late to retrieve her marriage. She couldn't move forward for fear of further failure.

I offered Karen an alternative perspective of failure, one that celebrates the courageous act of striving to grow, reach, attain or become. The people who fail the most often are those that set the most challenging targets for themselves, targets that require creative solutions, total commitment and overcoming fear.

For example, let's take a shy guy who wants to run a marathon for his favorite charity and commits to raise $5000. He ends up raising $4000 after fearlessly approaching friends and family in spite of being scared to death. He failed yet he gets to celebrate his courage and determination to grow and stretch. If you are not failing regularly, you are being controlled by your fear and playing life too safe.

When you fail, you get to recover, as opposed to beating yourself up with self defeating judgments. Sometimes recovery can begin instantaneously and other times it may be the next day before you can take the first steps toward recovery. Fail, learn, celebrate and recover is the formula for a life well lived.

Teachings of the Month

If it is love you are looking for, take a knife and cut off the head of fear.
-Rumi

Put your trust in him who gives Life and Ecstasy. Don't mourn what doesn't exist. Cling to what does.
-Rumi

Read previous issues of this newsletter.

Unsubscribe from this newsletter.

Download this issue of Wayne's Words