Walk With Wayne | Newsletter

...Share the Journey ...Retrieve your Self

March 2005 Vol. 3, No. 3

A Monthly Newsletter Published and Created by Wayne Peacock
©2005 Wayne Peacock. All rights reserved.

Dear Friends:

This issue is a perfect complement to last month's Walking Paper. For optimal learning, I encourage you to reread the former when you are done with the latter.

Issue of the Month

Finding Peace - We go through life in an endless combination of relationships. We like some, hate others, and are oblivious to most. What is striking is how little active ownership we take in improving our relationships and how apparently unaware we are that the quality of those relationships are 100% dependant on us. We make weak attempts at change and then we tolerate and we settle. In other aspects of our life we are much more prone to believe there are no limits to the extent we can affect change and improve our lot. Golfers know that their game will not change until they invest in equipment, instruction, practice, and play. There is never any doubt that they know it is up to them, and that reality never dies. At work, if we want to be a better manager we take every course the company offers, we read books, and maintain a conscious intention to manage better. It's up to us.

Today's client was the exception. She took responsibility for her relationships and guess what she found when she least expected it?

Client of the Month

When I started coaching Maysa she was a daughter, wife, mom, and an underwriter with an engineering background. What Maysa said she wanted most from coaching was to be at peace. The elephant in the middle of Maysa's stage was a history of migraine headaches, the painfully debilitating kind. Soon she was off work on temporary disability. The idea of being disabled, much less permanently disabled, did not fit in her mind. In an act of courage she returned to work part time, but even then her symptoms were too severe. About this time, Maysa found our brief coaching sessions too stimulating, thus we put them on hold.

Maysa has been home now for nearly two years. Many doctors have tried everything to control the pain. Unfortunately, the best pain relief would put Maysa in a dream-like state, which she did not like. Thereafter, her choice was to forego heavy narcotics and endure more pain for the sake of being herself and having more of her faculties.

Out of the blue last week, I got a phone message from Maysa saying she hadn't been in contact because she wasn't getting any better, and besides, it would make her cry. She closed by telling me not to worry too much. I interpreted her call as possibly a last-ditch reaching out. I determined right then I would write this column in honor of the many incredible accomplishments Maysa made over the course of our coaching relationship.

All her life, Maysa had held the belief that she was unlovable and unworthy. Early on, I asked her if it was true that she was unlovable. She said no, and over time came to see the lie she was basing her relationships on. Through lots of homework and conscious intention, Maysa eventually came to be her own best friend and by extension a best friend for others she cared for.

Maysa would often relate what jerks her doctors were, they didn't listen, nor meet even the lowest standard of bedside manner. Since none of their prescriptions nor strategies seemed to make much difference, it was the worst of all worlds; uncaring doctors not able to cure her migraine headaches.

Question: Underneath everything, what do you want most from your doctors that you aren't getting?

Answer: That I matter to them as an individual and that I have been heard.

Question: Are you able to give the same things to them?

Answer: No.

Question: So what you want most from your doctors is what you find extremely difficult to give them?

Answer: It is humbling to admit it, but yes, it is hard to treat my doctors with the respect I say I want for myself.

Question: What is your payoff with this relationship?

Answer: I get the proof that I am not lovable and not as worthy of their care. I also get to withhold my love and respect for the doctors in the form of not listening and not caring about them as fellow human beings, and then I make them wrong for not giving me what I want.

I asked Maysa if for the next month she would be willing to practice deep listening and caring about the welfare of her caregivers without expecting anything in return, i.e., to pay it forward. Maysa signed on to this request and proceeded to find the beauty and heart in her doctors. Surprise, surprise, the several caregiver relationships blossomed fully.

Yesterday she finally answered the phone and we stumbled over each other with joy, having not talked for six months. Yes, she had really been laid low but no, she hadn't called to say goodbye. R E L I E F!

I told her of my plans to write about her dedication to personal and spiritual growth within the context of a painful illness. I asked her what had meant the most to her. Her first memory, the proof of proofs, was the time she was waiting in the office of one of her doctors when the other, former uncaring jerk doctor, having heard she was in the building, rushed in to be with her, to listen, and to express his concern for her condition. Imagine, a hyper busy famous doctor leaving his practice on one floor and rushing to another floor, just to be with unlovable/unworthy Maysa. From that day forward, Maysa made it her signature behavior to give every caretaker what she wanted most from them: respect.

What she recalled next was one of the most rewarding outcomes of my life, much less my coaching career. She said, "The most valuable lesson I have learned through coaching was that I am not my roles. While the narcotics can change me into a zombie, they don't change who I am.

Question: Remind me again, who are you?

Answer: I am love, beauty, and playfulness.

Maysa had found that the pathway to peace traveled through her relationships.

When her husband Brian takes her to the doctor's office they tell him it is always their "happy day" when Maysa comes for care. And that they never fail to marvel how a woman with such pain can bring such joy to their day.

Also worthy of noting is that when Maysa committed to full expression of her basic nature, she held the power to change the world, one doctor at a time. Amen.

Teaching of the Month

To be successful, every relationship requires full participation of all of its members. Every voice must be heard, and when the voice emanates from the person's essence, the relationship can be more than successful, it can thrive. Diversity (of voices) rules. If we know who we are at source, and if we can be true to thine own self, relationships can create magic.
Fuller, Fridjhon, Peacock, Shakespeare, and Butthead

Muscle of the Month

Muscle #8 - Express from Essence

A couple of years ago, Maysa made a life transforming shift from demonizing her caregivers to seeing the best in them and to expressing her gratitude for their service. As soon as she made this switch, she would look forward to finding unique ways to express her appreciation, curiosity, and needs. She replaced judgments with roses and resentment with inquiry. She gave herself full permission to contribute/express/show up from her very nature, which is best defined as beauty, joy, and playfulness. By giving up blame and demonizing, she strengthened her immune system and in the process found the best medicine available.

Read previous issues of this newsletter.

Unsubscribe from this newsletter.

Download this issue of Wayne's Words