Walk With Wayne | Newsletter

...Share the Journey ...Retrieve your Self

November 2005 Vol. 3, No. 7

A Monthly Newsletter Published and Created by Wayne Peacock
©2005 Wayne Peacock. All rights reserved.

Issue of the Month

Ghosts: Ghosts and goblins were very much a part of our recent Halloween. In a child's mind, ghosts are present but not seen unless, of course, other children dress up as ghosts. The same mind-presence is true for ghosts that show up in our relationships.

An ex-lover and jealousy can show up in a relationship as a ghost. In the workplace, the ghost of past reprisals may be present. Gay and lesbian couples are frequently working against the ghost of homophobia. We are all familiar with other societal ghosts such as racism, and now, terrorism.

Ghosts move in and out of relationships and can play a positive or negative role. The trick, or skill, is to bring the ghosts to the relationship's awareness, so the impact can be seen for what it is.

Client of the Month

Seth and I had a couple networking meetings where we looked at what each other was peddling and how we could support each other's business. At our second meeting I provided a sample coaching session for Seth. I found out that Seth is a photographer, a husband, and soon to be a first-time father of a baby girl.

What Seth wanted to look at was his fears about fulfilling the dual roles of being a father and a creative artist. His perception was that if he fulfilled his destiny as a creative, his daughter would be shortchanged and visa versa. We agreed that this was a fear-based concept, i.e. it is a zero sum game as there is only so much time in the day and not enough time to fulfill both roles; one or the other has to suffer.

I asked Seth if there were any ghosts in his past from which this perspective might have been born. Try as he might, and reviewing each parent and other persons of influence, nothing came to mind. So we looked at the impact on him of believing his perspective. What Seth was clear about was that when he believed that either his career or his parenting must suffer, he felt "not good."

We then explored other possible ways of looking at his circumstances. The first alternative Seth came up with was a perspective that "I can do it all, as there is an abundance of time." This love-based perspective gave Seth an immediate "great" feeling. Even his body language changed; I could tell he was ready to roll with this new way of looking at things.

When I asked, in pursuit of another possible perspective, if he had a favorite artist, Seth came up with Duke Ellington. When I asked what Duke's perspective would be of Seth's circumstances, he replied that Ellington would have a problematical view, as would many of Seth's favorite musicians: they, on balance, declared their music to be their mistress. Wives, daughters, and other family members would be left with the scraps. Bingo!

At last, we found the ghost: the ghost of numerous well-known examples of inadequate parenting by artists. Along with the help of Seth's inner critic, Seth believed he was destined to follow in the footsteps of Ellington and others who were widely known to have put their art ahead of parenting. This was the way it would be and it did not feel like a bright future awaited his future daughter.

In the light of day, the ghost lost its power over Seth. With new insight and a monkey off his back, Seth moved forward quickly, unencumbered with a self limiting belief that he was fated to become a father preoccupied with personal achievement and everything other than his precious daughter and family.

Seth committed to hold his new perspective: "that there is an abundance of time," for 60 days and to implement an action plan that creates the life he desires when the twosome becomes a threesome.

Muscle of the Month

Muscle #12 - Know Your Saboteur

Two lessons can be learned from the Client of the Month story. First, life is so much more satisfying if one is willing to ask for help. In less than one hour of coaching, Seth found answers within himself that he had been searching for in the dark. However, for many of our society, asking for help is a sign of weakness, i.e. a real man should be able to solve his own problems.

The second lesson is the necessity of understanding the daily messages we each receive from our inner critic; also referred to as one's Gremlin or Saboteur. We all have a number of voices in our head. For simplicity's sake, let's assume there are only two. One is the voice of your adult self, with reason, practicality, and heart. When you recognize this voice for what it is, you are in good hands. The second voice is your Saboteur, whose sole purpose is to prevent you from changing, growing, and living with courage. The Saboteur is very clever and very skillful at creating fear in your life.

The good news is that you can, with diligence and training, minimize the impact of your Saboteur. You can develop the ability to notice the difference between the various voices on your board of directors. If you are identifying with this analysis, a perfect resource is Taming Your Gremlin by Richard Carson, a great soft cover bargain at $12.95. In the coaching world, Taming Your Gremlin is the standard.

Teachings of the Month

THE ZEN THEORY OF CHANGE

Over 2,500 years ago Lao Tzu brushed with picture symbols the Tao Te Ching, which included this wisdom:

Simply notice the natural order of things.
Work with it rather than against it.
For to try to change what is only sets up resistance.

-Excerpted from Page 10 in Taming Your Gremlins by Rich Carson

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